Funny Perks of Being Over Sixty

Please get out of my Van Halen T-shirt before you jinx the band and they break up. And and I told Don too, because they’ve moved my desk four times already this year, and I used to be over by the window, and I could see the squirrels, and they were merry. But then, they switched from the Swingline to the Boston stapler, but I kept my Swingline stapler because it didn’t bind up as much, and I kept the staples for the Swingline stapler And, oh, no, it’s not okay because if they make me, if they, if they take my, my stapler then I’ll, I’ll have to, I’ll set the building on fire. Could you milk me? I don’t want to hear your excuses. The center has to be at least three times bigger than this. France, for God’s sake!

More Funny One-Liners

What a punderful feeling. Top 10 Funniest Jokes according to 2, voters for Dave Funny man: Darren Walsh has won the prestigious award I just deleted all the German names off my phone. One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter – Masai Graham If I could take just one thing to a desert island I probably wouldn’t go – Dave Green Jesus fed 5, people with two fishes and a loaf of bread.

Say a dating humor on us and a comment on pinterest. 12 lip liners. One thing about online dating profile and canadian commercial airports. From the a beatles oddity, plus a essay.

A team of researchers believe they have identified the 50 best one-liners. Veteran comic Frank Carson has probably tried them all A joke about a male bus passenger insulting a woman’s ugly baby has been hailed in a survey as the funniest gag ever. Researchers scoured the web and examined more than 1, jokes before whittling them down to a final 50 on which 36, people voted.

In second place was a legendary one-liner about a zoo with just one dog being a ‘shitzu’. Other jokes to make the top 20 include a string of brilliant one-liners – and digs at wives, husbands, blondes and foreigners. A quarter-century after his death comedy hero Tommy Cooper makes a strong showing in the list, which also includes gags by Peter Kay, Lee Evans and Canadian comic Stuart Francis.

Edinburgh Fringe: The 35 funniest one-liners from this year’s festival

Share this article Share I was going to open a restaurant with topless waitresses — but was put off by the overheads. As a young man, I danced several leads for the Hibernian and Strathclyde Amateur Bowls and Ballet Society, until an unfortunate incident with a rather restrictive jock strap put an end to a promising career.

I went from Sugarplum Fairy to Nutcracker in one ill-judged leap. Thieves in a stolen car were apprehended after a mph chase by Police Constable Wainwright who followed them on foot. They shut the door on my truncheon. The sad news is that the funeral took place today of Mr Spenser P.

To help you we have made a compilation of some of the best of the great jokes and funny one line jokes that we know – on all sorts of topics from short funny jokes. to great jokes about countries to dating jokes to jokes about alcohol and much more.

What we have here have substantiated that jokes can be short and still be funny. However, these collection of jokes are not just funny but are the funniest set of jokes you can ever come across. The one-liner jokes will surely crack you up — you are bound to laugh as hard as you have never done before. Funny One-Liner Jokes 1. As long as there are tests, there will be prayers in schools.

What did one ocean say to the other ocean? Nothing, they just waved. A day without sunshine is like, night. Born free, taxed to death. Only used once, never opened. You cannot eat me unless you spread me — Butter 7. Do not argue with an idiot.

Funny one liners

I just broke 80! He can never understand how a hooker can be happy. His golf is improving. My doctor told me to play 36 holes a day, so I went out and bought a harmonica. He lost his ball.

In the endless battle between the sexes, jokes are inevitable. Read the best sexist jokes about men and women.

Use these funny, short jokes to spice up your daily conversations or to entertain your friends. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience. The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting a tomato in a fruit salad.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. Crowded elevators smell different to midgets. Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.

Funny Sex One-Liners

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience. I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car. Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question.

Debt is real, equity is opinion. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark; professionals built the Titanic. A woman can fake an orgasm, but a man can fake an entire relationship.

In this world there two things involved: Either you are born a man or women If you are a Woman you are safe, but if you are born a man there are two things involved: Either you are in Military or Civilian If you are civilian you are safe, if you are in Military there two things involved: Either in office or war front If you are in office you are safe, if you are in war front there two things involved: Either you kill somebody or somebody kills you If you kill somebody you are safe, if somebody kills you there two things involved: Either you will be buried or you body will be used for manure If you are buried you are safe if your body is used for manure two things involved: Either will be used to grow flowers or used to grow trees If you used to grow flowers you are safe, but if used to grow trees two things involved: Either will be used to manufacture tissue paper or furniture If used for furniture you are safe, if used for tissue paper two things involved:

Funny Jokes About Being Single

Funny one liners on relationships 1. There are two theories to arguing with women. I think, therefore I’m single.

These funny one liners are as pithy as they are funny. Just some very funny summations from some very funny people, all told in one line. Many of these funny one liners are from legendary comedians and others are from random or unknown people. Enjoy laughing out loud to all these hilarious one.

Pick-up lines call to mind a sunglasses-wearing douche saying with a grin: But the truth about pickup lines is this: Here, we lay out some tips and pickup lines you can use in different situations when you want to make that cute stranger notice you. Remember, these are dependent on whatever context you might be in. Use Your Environment Ok, so you have zero knowledge of what the redhead in your gourmet cooking class likes.

Make your way over to her station and ask her if she has an extra spatula. Compliment her on how great her chocolate tart turned out. Start a little flirtation over the soup of the day. Wherever you are, this is an opportunity for you to strike up a conversation about your surroundings. Make an observation about how the man bun seems to be coming back, judging by all the man buns you see at the party.

Where are you going to hide when those fanboys over there get into a raging fight? Ask A Question Compliments are great.

Stewart Francis One Liner Jokes (Standup Comedy)

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